Aug 30 2007

Breeding like bunnies

I think that a congratulations in store for my good friend Miguel Garcia Juan Hernandez Junior (a.k.a. Mike). Last night I got to see his latest acquisition, which surprised me greatly! He bought a 2008 Volkswagen Rabbit. I don’t think there has even been someone more deserving of a new car than Mike. Though I feel a deep connection with the 1858 Ford Tempo which seemed to be constructed by blind lawn gnomes, I really was blown away at the caliber of his new V-Dub! It has a significant amount of torque in the low RPMs, and excellent throttle response for a naturally-aspired 2.5 litre 5-cylinder. Keeping with tradition, of course, the car is a 5-speed manny tranny, which allows the driver to spiritedly accelerate all the way to the 6200 RPM redline. Besides the exceptionally nice performance of a “just off the lot” car, the interior is beautiful. It is quite the roomy coupe, with comfortable seats, a steering wheel that I believe can be adjusted in approximately 39 x π17 ways, and a superbly-crafted dash with nice ambient lighting.

VW shifter

Click the dash image below for a larger size:
VW interior

Not only is the inside gorgeous, the exterior is this great silver colour (to which, of course, I am partial), and it has a stylish rear (tee hee):

VW exterior

Combine all those things with a kickin’ factory stereo and you have yourself a pretty awesome ride! Congratulations Mike! 😀

|:| Zach |:|

Aug 29 2007

Your time is up

In another very funny email that I received recently, there was a brief story about a woman who passed away. She said that she always wanted something special put on her headstone, and her nephew honoured that wish. The image below proves to me that my idea for what I want done at my funeral is amusing, and not morbidly grotesque like people tell me it is. Okay, okay, just because you asked, I will tell you what I want done. I think that instead of being all glum and dreary, I want my funeral to have strobe lights, dry ice, and techno music. Then when they open the casket, there will be no body. Instead, the doors will swing open and my body will come dancing in.

Okay, so maybe my idea is a little sick and twisted, but hey, it is absurd so it meets one of the criteria for the Z-Issue. Oh yes, and it is called the Z-ISSUE for more than one reason, hehe. 🙂

Click on the image to see the full size
Your time is up

|:| Zach |:|

Aug 26 2007

You don’t say…

Recently, I received an email quoting several lines from a wonderful book by Charles M. Sevilla entitled Disorder in the Court: Great Fractured Moments in Courtroom History. Basically the book takes a light and somewhat whimsical approach to law and the United States Justice System by jeering at statements by witnesses, lawyers, judges, and other involved with various cases throughout US history. The email hit some of the highlights of the book, but to get the full effect, I urge you to check out the entire collection from the library, or better yet, support the author (and preserve your mental health) by purchasing the collection. Anyway, here are some of the lines that were in the email:

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he’s twenty.

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shittin’ me?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby ws August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh…. I was gettin’ laid!

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh….are you qualified to ask that question?

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

I hope those little snippets made you laugh out loud like I did when I read them. 🙂

|:| Zach |:|

_______________
REFERENCES:

Sevilla, C.M. (1999). Disorder in the court: Great fractured moments in courtroom history. New York: W. W. Norton & Company.