Sep 20 2005

Funny things Kids have Said

I received this in an email, and thought it was really funny. Any education major, and anyone that likes kids will find it amusing. Here ya’ go:

JANET (5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old
she didn’t remember any more. Said Melanie, “If you don’t remember you must
look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.”

ROGER (3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. “I love you so much, that
when you die I’m going to bury you outside my bedroom window.”

DEBBI (4) had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in vain to take
the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a
childproof cap and she’d have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder,
the little girl asked: “How does it know it’s me?”

CASSIE (4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. “Please don’t give
me this juice again,” she said, “It makes my teeth cough.”

BARBARA (4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: “How much do I
cost?”

DONALD (4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in
a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: “Why is
he whispering in her mouth?”

RALPH (5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was
troubling him, he replied, “I don’t know what’ll happen with this bed when
I get married. How will my wife fit in it?”

RICHARD (4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: “The man named
Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife
looked back and was turned to salt.” Concerned, James asked: “What happened
to the flea?”

SANDY (4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled
woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, “Why
doesn’t your skin fit your face?”

The Sermon
I think this Mom will never forget this particular Sunday sermon…”Dear
Lord,” the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a
rapturous look on his upturned face. “Without you, we are but dust.” He
would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was
listening!) Leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little
girl voice, “Mom, what is butt dust?”

🙂

Sep 20 2005

Can’t sleep

I wanted to get a good night’s sleep for once. However, I am still wide awake. Instead of going to bed, though, I’m here with Miss Bociphus Jackson and she’s just as happy as can be. She’s purring like a diesel engine; so loudly that her whole body is shaking. She wanted to say hi to the world, so here it goes:

asdf42 yA DSG

That’s what you get when a cat walks on the keyboard. In her own way, I’m sure it is a great salutation.

–Zach

Sep 20 2005

The odd events of this evening

If you had a completely normal evening, read on and maybe it will make yours more interesting. I might be releasing a movie called “Zach’s A Series of Very Strange Events.” While it may not be as successful as Lemony Snicket’s, it could prove to be more entertaining.

Ryan came over and that was a nice surprise. I was just doing homework and wasn’t too excited about it. We decided to go visit an old friend that we hadn’t seen in a long time. THAT, however, couldn’t have been more awkward. Not only has she completely changed, she has taken up some nasty habits and is associating with the wrong crowd. I actually couldn’t take it any longer and had Ryan call my cellphone so I could act like there was some urgent reason that we needed to leave. I felt like Machiavelli faking my death to avoid the situation.

Both of us in shock, we decided it might be a good idea to go get a milkshake. At Steak n’ Shake, we met a very interesting girl (our waitress). She thought we were both neat and therefore, talked to us for quite some time. She told us how she decided that she was going to get a new job… as a stripp… I mean, an exotic dancer. She wanted me to come up with an alias for her. I thought and I thought. The only thing that I could come up with was REALLY stupid, and proved to contain a nasty double meaning. I came up with Crotching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. What is the “Hidden Dragon” you ask? Well, just think about it for a minute and it should come to you.

.
..
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THERE YA’ GO! I knew you would figure it out eventually. 🙂

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Not only that, but we got on the topic of German scientists paying top dollar for testicles of healthy males between the ages of 18 and 30. They are doing research of some type and, I guess they need some masculine parts.

I wondered if I were to go over and partake in this little experiment, if they would donate some type of “neuticle” to take the place of my missing male member. However, a “neuticle” has a rather negative conotation and therefore, a more medically sound term needed to be invented. No sooner than the realisation of new diction necessity came about, I had an epiphany; essentially, they would be nothing more than prosthetic testicles. I couldn’t think of any more suiting word that “Prosthesticles.” Yes, I believe we have a winner.

I explained this new terminology to Mike (my usual waiter), and he thought it was more PC, but yet, it wouldn’t work because of common use. He thought that the word would have to be shorter, or at least an alternative slang would have to be thought up due to the high usage of such a word. Picture the scenario:

You’re playing football (and I mean football in the European sense of the word), and your opponent is trying to keep up with your wild footwork. All of a sudden, he goes to steal the ball away from you, but misses. He kicks you square in the Nu-nu (you only have one because of the surgery). You scream “Dear GOD, you got me right in the Prosthesticle!” Your friends and teammates laugh until their sides hurt–just think of it as sympathy pain for your injured and probably cracked prosthetic family jewel.

As of yet, we still don’t have an acceptable term for this man-made manhood, but we’re open to suggestions.

–Zach